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As our sister site notes, it's a very specific breed of critic that leaves a Yelp review, and a extra-special type that leaves a Yelp review of a sex shop. When compiling our list of nine LA sex shops to hit before Valentine's Day, we scrolled through dozens of Yelpers' input, from the servicey (bathroom and parking advice, a rundown of the inventory) to the weird (one man wrote a poem about his experience at The Pleasure Chest). For fun, we pulled 12 of our favorites.
On The Pleasure Chest:
12. "I sat on the swing/And tried on a c*ck ring. Sampled some flavored lube/Grabbed a random persons boob. Got into some hardcore leather/Played slap and tickle with a feather. Find me in a thong/Lookin crazy wrong. Left magazines sticky/screaming Ay! Ricky. While perusing the porn/& pipes shaped like corn. I shove a penis shaped candy/In a doll with many holes named Mandy. Before they asked me to leave/I slipped a dildo up my... Sleeve!"
On Romantix Intimate Boutique:
11. "My only complaint besides the fact it is located in a sketchy part of town, is the fact there is no DILF section in the dvd area. There is definitely a MILF section but no DILF. I can't be the only one who is really into older guys, I'm sure there are others with the same complaint."
10. "I am not a woman and even got the heebee GEEEBEEES here. Please God....don't let me get hit by a stray bullet or die in a armed robbery here. How would that look during my Eulogy. This place is never empty. And who in the fuck rents porn? I really wanted to buy this DVD once and I couldn't cause it was a rental. WTF!"
On Hustler Hollywood:
9. "God, I hope nobody I know sees me in here with this stack of unpurchased Adult DVDs in my possession. How will I explain the fact that I'm STILL browsing even though I'm already cradling an entire film festival of monkey spank in my arms?"
8. "They have these awesome stickers that you place around your nipples. They are a must have."
7. "So the girls went to the vibrator section like hound dogs on a fresh scent -- no, they were like some migratory animals instinctively traveling in the direction of the GIANT FUCKING WALL OF VIBRATORS. Jesus creeping shit, a wall of fucking vibrators! The adjacent wall had more vibrators and fake vaginas. All types of vaginas. Black vaginas, white vaginas, "asian" vaginas, hairless vaginas, small vaginas, vaginas with attached anus, tiny headless women curled like fetuses with vaginas, vagina stew, vagina gumbo, vagina sandwiches. You get the point."
On The Stockroom:
6. "Purchased a sweet wolf mask and the wife was pleased with their selections of corsets and latex clothing."
5. "The only detractor in my experience was that they did not have my favorite color in the dildo selections for strap-ons (red) however, they did have my second choice (black)."
On Pure Delish:
4. "Parking was easy, especially on a Sunday when the storefront parking meters are free! And, there's a vegan samosa place a few doors down, so that's always a plus."
On A Touch of Romance:
3. "Walked in here with my über Christian mother one Sunday afternoon after dining in Sizzler a while ago. Funniest experience ever. I think she said silent prayers all throughout her time in there."
On Unicorn Alley:
2. "Drunken gay men fall in all the time, such as myself, to look at the date they can afford to take home. Excuse me for being a romantic, but what's wrong with wanting to meet the next man of my life while shopping in the bareback porn section.
On Chi Chi LaRue's:
1. "The flatscreen monitors inside play previews and it adds to the overall hip feeling - almost like being in a fun trendy yet classy bar - actually reminded me of some of the amazing bars in Sweden and France. The staff was extremely courteous and helpful and made the whole atmosphere very pleasant. If this place offered coffee and frozen yogurt and an outdoor patio, it would be my all-day hangout!"